Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The Difference a Year Can Make

A year ago today Other Half and I had just moved into an apartment, not one of our greatest decisions but a necessary one.  It was small, dark and noisy.  The Purrito was stressed and nearly licked herself furless.  I've never seen a cat so distraught over a living situation before.  Perhaps she was the only one that "voiced" it so loudly though.  It confirmed for us that we've officially left the days behind when apartment living would ever be ok for us.  

A year ago today Other Half was slowly transitioning his way out of a very long, hard three year command.  It would mark the turning point for being on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  No longer would he have to handle problem soldiers abusing the system to avoid deployment.  No longer would we have our lives threatened by unstable patient soldiers.  No longer would I wonder if he would come home safe after being sent out to find AWOL patients in the worst parts of town.

A year ago today I was right smack in the middle of my second clomid cycle after the miscarriage in July.  The move had me stressed, but I was determined to breathe easy.  Other Half had been a trooper the day before and given me a trigger shot.  I decided not to test the trigger out (Ha! Yeah right...I totally tested).  I made the decision to be easy with myself and whatever this cycle would bring.  I hoped and prayed but I never could have imagined.

A year ago today my precious perfect daughter was conceived.  Happy conception day my love!  Sure, it's an unusual thing to celebrate to everyone outside of the infertility world, I get that.  To me, it's one of the most precious days of my life.

I still get so emotional (unpretty snot crying) thinking about how far we've all come in a year.  I never could have imagined I could feel love so strongly or that I would feel joy so deeply.  That I would worry myself sick for months over her heartbeat, movements and the effects gestational diabetes would have on her.  That I would feel so elated over finding out her gender, feeling her roll inside me and waiting for her daily hiccups.  I never dreamed of finding the most amazing and wonderful OB and his staff.  That their care for me still touches my heart and makes me teary.  I had no idea that I would have the easiest labor and delivery to bring another soul into this world.

Mostly, I had no idea that this tiny little perfect girl would touch so many people's lives.  She has brought so much love into the world around her.  

People still don't understand, and I suspect they never will, how amazing her life is to me.  I didn't know if she would ever come along.  It's often overlooked when I tell people that we tried and waited a very long time for her and she is very much loved and wanted.  That's how it is with infertility.  Unless you've been through it, people (generally) will never know the depth and range of high and low emotions associated with infertility, pregnancy and finally parenting.  

So here I sit, teary eyed and overwhelmed with emotion at the difference a year can make.  Other Half has a new job within the military.  We are on the verge of another move, closer to family this time.  I will have to leave my beloved city behind but it will always hold a special place in my heart as the birthplace of Mila.  Yes, what a difference a year can make.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

In An Instant

Life can change in an instant.  In some ways the infertility world prepares you for this.  You can go from trying for years to conceive to becoming pregnant in just one split moment of time.  Of course it can also change for the worse, taking that amazing spark of life and rendering it devastating when there is no longer a heartbeat to that precious life.  These are the extreme highs and lows and yes, in some ways it prepares you for all the other instant life changes that may come along.  For the record, I am not pregnant again, nor did I miscarry. 

Remember back in February when Other Half got a great new fancy civilian job that was tailored just for him?  *sigh* Well, his position was eliminated past week which means we’re a jobless family at the moment.  There are a few different options available to us, but most likely the military will come back into play.  Perhaps even a voluntary deployment is in the future.

I’m not sure how this is going to turn out but I do know that we have a great support system within our families.  Though I love my sleepy little city I wouldn’t be at all sad about moving closer to our parents.  Mila is growing up far too fast and I feel like they miss out on a lot of milestones with her.

Speaking of, little miss Mila is three months old today!  Time is seriously flying and it’s bittersweet for me.  I’m sad that she’s growing out of the soft cuddly infant stage but so so so excited to see what’s next for her.  She is seriously the happiest baby in the mornings.  She smiles and laughs when I walk into the room to get us started for the day.  She’s also well on her way to finally rolling over which is both scary and exciting for me.  Tummy time isn’t quite so terrible these days either.  This girl is a kicker too.  I’ve never been pelted so hard by someone so little.  No wonder I always felt beat up from the inside when I was pregnant.

3 Months

So, here’s hoping this finds you all well and loving the changing weather lately.  I hope to update soon with some good, great, or news in general. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Life is…

CRAZY right now.  Mila and I had a wonderful three week trip/visit with both sets of grandparents and great grandparents.  It was truly amazing to spend so much time with everyone while she’s so young.  I think there was a lot of bonding done which is absolutely priceless right now.

Other half had a successful three week military training session and came back exhausted, bug bitten, and a little sun burnt.  I’ll admit I was a bit (ok  a LOT) jealous when he texted me a glorious sunrise picture from the seat of the helicopter he was in one morning.  I feel like he gets to play with all the cool toys and I get left behind!

We’ve all been back home for a week and a half and it’s been a little rough getting back into the swing of things.  Having SO much help was fantastic but I never knew how much it really was until I didn’t have it anymore.  In any case, I was able to transition her from sleeping in the swing to now sleeping in her crib.  I’m very thankful for this because I was starting to have some anxiety that she would never sleep in that beautiful crib that we had so much trouble getting.

The Purrito is still at my mom’s house but will be returning home to us the weekend of the 19th.  That cat is in kitty heaven right now.  She gets tons of attention, outdoor time, yummy food and essentially the run of the house.  I worry that I won’t be able to show her the affection she deserves when she gets back home. 

Classes started back this past Sunday and I’m feeling incredibly anxious about juggling Mila, the house, errands and school.  I know people do it all the time but I just feel like I may be in over my head.  I have 8 more classes to finish and then I’m officially done.  I. Can’t. Wait.  I almost wish I had pushed myself a little harder while pregnant and did double classes.  But then I wouldn’t have enjoyed being pregnant and that’s something I can’t imagine sacrificing.

I’m officially on birth control which I still find highly hilarious.  Seriously, it took us years to get pregnant and here I am on birth control.  Anyway, it is what it is.  We’re not in a hurry to talk about kiddo number two quite yet.  Perhaps in a year.

Mila is doing great.  She’s 11 1/2 weeks and a ray of sunshine most of the time.  I stopped breast feeding for a huge list of reasons at about six weeks.  *waits for the breast feeding gurus to rain down upon me*  I’ve come to terms with it.  I was disappointed that it didn’t last longer but we’re both happier now and that’s all I can ask for.  I did manage to store away a few weeks worth in the freezer so she got a couple of more weeks of the liquid gold. 

She had her two month shots a week ago (10 weeks).  I cried as hard as she did.  I’m sure I’m not the only one nor will I be the last but my gosh it’s heartbreaking.  She was 11.3lbs and in the 50th percentile all around. 

Mila 2 Months

Next weekend Other Half is flying to Chicago to marry one of the guys that saved his life in Afghanistan.  Yes.  You read that right.  He’s going to marry someone, which if you knew him I’m positive you’d find it hilarious.  He’s not a priest, nor any other form of religious figure.  He got himself ordained in college as a joke and now he’s putting it to use.  I would love to go but I’m not brave enough to fly with an infant quite yet.  I’m sure there will be video and I’ll be GLAD to share it here ha!

I’ve set a goal for myself to post at least once a week, more if I can find a spare minute to do so.  I hope you’re all doing well and I look forward to getting caught up on reading your posts!

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Road Trip!

I wanted something spectacular for my official 100th post but perhaps it will have to wait a few weeks until I can replace this one with something better.  Just a quick note to say that I will be reading all your lovely blogs over the next three weeks but most likely won't have time to post on my own.  I hope you're all doing wonderfully well!  See you all at the end of September!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Semi Normal

Life is drastically different now but it’s also sorting itself out into a steady rhythm.  My favorite days are where I have absolutely nothing to do except be a mom and subsequently a housewife (though I hate that term).  I’m lucky (thank you Other Half!) that I don’t have to go to work next week, or worry about daycare or have separation anxiety over it.  Life is good and I am blessed.

The Purrito

My mom came to visit the weekend of the 18th and when she left I had her take the Purrito back home with her.  Now, before you gasp in shock or think terrible things of me, I did it for our (the Purrito and I) own sanity which I will explain shortly.  As far as a cat goes she loves travelling in a car.  Of course you can’t stick her in a carrier because she will wail the entire time but left to wander around in the car she’s a great travel companion.  She quite enjoys sight seeing and will often park herself in the back window space to see the world pass her by.  She also enjoys the front seat, preferably in someone’s lap.


I’ve been getting daily Purrito pictures to assure me that she’s adapting well and having a great time at Nana’s (Mom’s) house.  In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s loving the peace and quiet, especially in the back yard.


And if pictures weren’t enough, I’ve now got proof that I have a half dog – half cat.  Clearly evident in the below video of her chasing the water.  Have I mentioned lately how much I love ragdoll cats?  Silly kitty.


In two weeks I will be travelling for the first time on my own with Mila.  I’m not nearly as nervous about that as I am when I take her out for quick errands which is a whole other post in itself.  Other Half has yearly military training he has to attend for three weeks in September.  I decided to go to the parentals house during that time.  Which explains why I sent the Purrito ahead.  I highly doubt she would want to travel with a potentially screaming tiny human.  It also gives my mom the “required” shared custody (she really does adore that cat) time of having her there for six weeks.  In addition, going north will also give me the opportunity for Mila to meet one set of her Godparents which I’m very much looking forward to. 

So, a 300 mile car trip is in my future.  Thank goodness I finally got the car that I factory ordered over three months ago.  Meet Ace the Audi (yes we’re a family that names our cars).  The newest addition to the QS family.  She’s so fun to drive and I’m way excited to have her.



As the weeks go by and my hormones start to regulate (ha! or not?) I can already tell that I’m not going to be one of the lucky ones where pregnancy resets my body.  The PCOS is back, clearly evident by the consistent and persistent skin breakouts that have started occurring in the last week.  *sigh* It is what it is and I will deal with it but man I was really hoping for a longer time with out it.

The irony of it all?  I have my six week post partum check up next Monday and I know we’ll be discussing birth control.  Seriously, that’s some kind of cruel joke isn’t it?  I just have to laugh at the situation at this point.  We spent years trying to get pregnant and the only thing that curbs the PCOS side effects is pregnancy and/or birth control.

I’ve been doing a bit of research and it seems that there are a certain set of oral contraceptives that are recommended for PCOS patients.  They both contain anti androgen hormones which key for reducing the side effects associated with PCOS due to the increased male hormones our bodies like to produce.  Controversially, they’re both involved in major lawsuits at the moment.  I was on one of these pills before we decided to conceive and had great results from it so I have no doubt that it will work well again.  It’s really the only option I’m considering at the moment.  I’ve heard nothing but horror stories from the various IUD methods and therefore am not interested in pursuing that particular avenue. 

The fact that I’m even considering birth control is laughable but necessary for me.  I am absolutely 100% positive that I want more children in the future.  However, I want to allow my body to recover and allow myself to enjoy motherhood before we make the leap into expanding our family again.  So, who wants to join me in ridiculous laugher over this situation?

I hope you’re all doing well.  I promise to catch up on reading and commenting soon.

Monday, August 19, 2013

One Month

My dearest Mila,

You are one month old today my love.  Time has flown in this month and I still find myself checking to make sure that you’re really here and really ours.  I catch myself in awe of your very existence on a daily basis and it still takes my breath away.  To say that you are very much loved and wanted is the understatement of the year.

You are such a good and happy little baby.  Mornings are your favorite time of day and I often find you awake and smiling before you begin to protest about a diaper or hunger situation.  You give up smiles relatively easy and I love you all the more for it.  You absolutely hate tummy time but that’s ok because you’ve been holding up your head for about a week now.  I will often lay you under your activity mat that is full of all sorts of toy animals and we will talk about all the trips to the zoo we’re going to make when you’re a bit older.  I fully intend to pass along the family love for animals to you.

TinyHuman (2)

We had newborn photos done when you were 8 days old and my goodness you were a rock star for them all!  Not once did you complain, fuss, pee or poop on anything.  I was so nervous about having you out of a diaper for so long.  You absolutely proved me wrong!  The photos are breathtaking and I’m having a hard time choosing which one is my favorite.


You are a champion eater having gained two pounds since the day you were born to a weight of 8.5lbs now.  We’ve had some hiccups with feeding but hopefully it’s all sorted out.  All the pretty clothes that are hanging in your closet are slowly beginning to fit you, though most are a still a tad too big. 

I know eventually I should sort out some kind of sleep schedule for you but right now I’m leaving you to make your own.  You wake when you’re hungry or when you want to and I’m ok with that.  I often sit and watch you sleep because you’re so peaceful.  There’s a little squeak you randomly  make that makes my heart absolutely melt.  One of these days I’m going to have to capture it on video.

Your Mimi (mother in law) and Nana (my mom) are absolutely smitten with you.  Mimi is not much of a crier but she has tears in her eyes every time she has to leave you to go home.  Your Nana assuredly is a crier (often making me cry by proxy, darn her!) and often spends the first moments with you crying because she has to leave days later.  They miss you terribly when they’re away.





I know that you’re not sure who or what the Purrito is yet but I know she loves you already.  The two of you often share my space in harmony.  When you cry she will run ahead of me into your nursery as if she’s checking on you for herself.  Late at night when you’re up for a feed she will sit with us on the ottoman content to sleep while we finish up for the night.  One day, she is going to be your partner in crime, I’m sure of it.

Purrito Love

Dad and I took you on your first walk yesterday and you absolutely loved it.  The weather was finally cool enough and there was a lovely breeze that cooled your skin.  You are fascinated with the outside light and spent most of the walk looking at the blue sky with your gorgeous dark blue eyes.  It must have been exhausting because you promptly went to sleep when we got home.  Tonight you will finally have your first official bath in the water.  Since you already like the warmth of a sponge bath I know you will love being in the warm water.

Though mom is a nervous wreck when I take you out, you’re generally very very good.  The car rides often put you to sleep and you don’t mind loud restaurants (though I hardly take you to such places yet).  You so enjoy the panoramic sun roof on mom’s new car (it finally came in!) whether the sun is shining through it or the rain is falling on it providing you with a soundtrack to sleep.

My dearest Mila your are our JOY and it has been so wonderful having you here this past month.  Already I can feel that you’re growing up far too quickly before my eyes.  Take it easy, there’s no rush my dear.




Thursday, August 8, 2013

The Unexpected

As I navigate motherhood for the first time, of which there is no road map, nor gps, nor even signs along the way…I’ve come to realize that there are a great many things that no one can prepare you for. 

The Bump

I miss it terribly.  As in I’ve had snot crying sobbing sessions over the loss of my belly.  I miss feeling her inside of me wiggling around, protected and safe.  It was also the most comfortable and confident I’ve ever been in my own skin.  If I could stay pregnant forever I probably would.  Yes I was uncomfortable and exhausted near the end but I was also very happy and content with the bump.


It’s HARD.  Probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  There’s a lot of talk about the beauty of it and how it’s the most wonderful thing for you and baby (and it is) but people often fail to mention just how demanding, exhausting, and troublesome it can be.  You can’t prepare for all the problems that may arise.  It makes it hard to see through the layers of difficulty to actually see the beauty and joy of it.

Insides on the Outside

During those 9 months of loving my pregnant body it seemingly never occurred to me that my organs had all shifted into places they wouldn’t ordinarily be.  Which is why it’s the strangest feeling after delivery to feel like your insides want to be on your outside.  Seriously, the shifting back in place of things is just…odd.  I wore a belly band for the last three weeks just so I could feel normal.


It seems that carrying a pumpkin permanently affixed to your midsection for 9 months can change your posture.  I’m having to relearn how to do a lot of things and correct my posture in doing so because I over or under compensate for something that isn’t there anymore.

Time Management

Is non existent.  I forget to eat.  A lot.  Part of the job I gave Other Half in these last few weeks was making me sit down and eat something.  There seems to be no end to things that need to be done or taken care of.  Of course I’m still trying to do them all by myself which isn’t possible at the moment.  I know that once we get a rhythm and schedule in place things will calm down.  For now, it’s hectic in this house.

Mila is 2 1/2 weeks old and doing great.  She’s still small at only 7lbs but is eating (and subsequently pooping) like a champ.  My favorite time with her are night feedings.  She’s so sleepy and soft wanting nothing more than to eat and have a cuddle.  I’m having the time of my life with her right now.


She is becoming more aware now, often staring at things intently as if she’s trying to figure them out.  She loves to stare out the windows and enjoys the natural light.  I’m waiting for a cooler evening so I can finally take her on a walk outside.  I know she would absolutely love it.


The Purrito is…well she’s adapting quite well.  We think she has named Mila “tiny human” and I’m not entirely sure she knows what she is yet…other than something that makes a whole lot of noise.  She still sleeps with me every night which tells me that she doesn’t completely hate me for bringing the tiny human into the household.  I’ve even caught her (by hearing her snore) underneath the crib taking a nap.  Though you can’t really tell in this picture, the Purrito weighs twice as much as Mila.


As time allows I will start posting to her page that I added at the top of the header.  I want to recall all the milestone moments with her and make sure that they’re not lost to us.  I think in this way people who may visit can choose whether or not they wish to read about her.  I know that my battle with PCOS is about to start up again and I’m not looking forward to it.  It’s frustrating and never ending and I will surely need a place to once again vent and heal.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013


I thought I knew what love was.  I know the love between my mom and I, her daughter.  I know the love between friends.  I know the love a woman has for her husband.  I even know the love between a fur baby and their human parents.  I could have never prepared myself for the love I have for my own daughter.  It renders me speechless.  It encompasses every fiber of my heart, soul and being.  She is my everything.

Other half left for his monthly drill weekend three hours away on Thursday the 18th.  He wouldn't be back until Sunday, essentially out of contact for the entire weekend.  My mom was on standby just in case I needed her.  I busied myself the with some last minute tasks and in general continued nesting.  Thankfully, I didn't go into labor while he was gone.  He came home on Sunday quite tired after having very little sleep.  We settled in for the night.  Around 10:00 pm I started feeling uncomfortable.  Very uncomfortable.  I tried all my usual remedies, hot bath, hot tea, heating pad on my back.  Nothing seemed to be helping, and that's when I realized and accepted that labor was truly upon us. 

Other Half was sleeping soundly while I quietly went about gathering last minute things, packed the car, had a snack and got myself ready for a few days in the hospital.  I finally woke him up around 1:00 am.  I think he was expecting something a bit more dramatic (TV anyone?) and for me to be a bit more frantic than my usual calm.  He showered and got ready and we were on our way to the hospital by 1:30 am.  I called my doctor on the way so he could expect me, and thankfully he was on call.

Once we arrived and got registered I was taken up to labor and delivery assessment to monitor baby and the contractions for an hour.  I could feel them increasing in intensity but was still afraid I would be sent home for false labor or not progressing quickly enough.  At the start of the hour I was fully effaced and 1 centimeter.  By the end of the hour I was 2 centimeters and having consistent contractions every 4 minutes.  I was officially admitted.  We were going to have a baby today!  Our parents finally received the call they had been waiting on for nine months and started to make the three hour drive down to us.

The hospital I chose is -the- place to have a baby.  It's a leading women's hospital in the south and the care that they provide is stellar and above par.  At 3:00 am I was taken to my labor and delivery room.  My delivery "suite" was spacious and inviting with comfy places for Other Half and our family to relax.  Honestly, if it weren't for the contractions and medical equipment it would seem like we were staying in a nice hotel for the night. 

I labored from 3:00 am to 6:00 am with slow but steady progress.  Around 7:00 am my OB came by to check me (I was 3-4 centimeters) and asked if he could go ahead and break my water, to which I agreed (fluid was clear!).  He also asked for my consent to add Pitocin in a very small dose to really kick start some progress.  Because baby girl was doing great and not in distress I agreed to this as well.  The intensifying contractions and fear of re-breaking my previously broken tailbone (horse back riding accident) led me to ask for an epidural around 8:00 am.  It was quickly administered and I was soon on my way to some much needed rest and comfort.

My mom was the first to arrive at 10:00 am and I was overjoyed to see her.  She brings me calm and comfort.  The in laws arrived about an hour later and were surprised to see me so comfortable and relaxed.  We chatted quietly for a while, the main topic being the royal baby and if he or she would actually come today. 

About 12:00 pm my incredible nurse came to check me and was surprised to find that I was 9 centimeters.  She quickly ushered everyone out and paged my OB.  I had a moment of fear for some reason and shed a few tears.  I think it was fear of the unknown.  Was my delivery about to be really difficult or relatively easy?  While we were waiting for my OB I got set up to deliver, stirrups and all.  I voiced my concern about my fear of tearing which my nurse assured me that she would do everything to coach me and prevent it as much as possible. 

In the quiet calm of my room with only my nurse and Other Half I pushed through 5 contractions in 20 minutes.  Other Half was making me laugh (yes, laugh) with silly things in between each contraction.  I will love him eternally for that simple act.  I was instructed to stop pushing and essentially just hang out for the next few contractions.  My OB was paged again, and this time told to RUN.  I think I may have laughed at his dramatic entrance a few minutes later when he burst through the doors.  I was comfortable and told him to take his time getting set up.  He rushed anyway, because she would have been delivered if I had even breathed a little too hard.  She was right there ready to make her appearance into the world.

Through one tiny push, Mila Katherine came into this world hearing her parents laughter (we were seriously laughing with joy which was so special for me to have her hear) on Monday, July 22, 2013 at 1:01 pm.  She surprised us all by being exactly a week early and being so darn tiny, weighing in at only 6.5 lbs.  With having gestational diabetes I thought surely she would be a larger baby.  She has a headful of dark hair and the deepest blue/grey eyes I’ve ever seen.  She shares a birthday with the royal baby which I think is kind of neat.  Most of all though, she has stolen our hearts forever.

Minutes Old

Just Born


It has taken me almost two weeks to write this because I wanted to remember every detail.  I can already feel the precious moments slipping by and I never want to forget the amazing experience of having her.  I was so comfortable, relaxed and calm.  It was the perfect labor for me and everything I'd always hoped it would be.  Simply perfect.  I still get really emotional (snot crying) when I think of the tiny little miracle that she is and how incredibly lucky we are to have her.  She was very much wanted and we endured a lot to have her.  The road to her was long and very uncertain, filled with anxiety, heartbreak and eventually joy.  It overwhelms me and takes my breath away almost daily.  Words can never accurately describe this humbling feeling.  Unless people have been in our place of struggle, no one will even remotely understand how it feels to be so overcome with emotion because I have a child of my own now. 

Some interesting facts that I wanted to share (please don't hate me)

I didn't get one stretch mark which surprised me because both my mom and sister did.  I did use BioOil faithfully twice a day from week 16 on.

I gained a total of 22lbs, even with gestational diabetes.

At 9 days postpartum I have lost 20 of those 22lbs.

I didn’t tear at all, thanks mostly to her small size.

I can’t count the number of ultrasounds and doctors appointments I had during this pregnancy but suffice it to say it was a lot.

I craved summer fruits, peaches, pineapple, watermelon, and mangoes.  I also craved pizza early on until it started giving me terrible heartburn.  I wanted Sonic ice more than anything in my third trimester which I wholeheartedly attribute to keeping me incredibly hydrated.

As with many IF moms who go on to have successful pregnancies, I’m not sure where this space will end up.  Though I didn’t talk much about it throughout the last nine months I still have PCOS and will probably struggle again to have other children.  I’m still in the infertility world and would like to advocate for the cause.

However, this space has become a diary of daily life for me.  It’s something I could never do with pen and paper even though I tried throughout the years.  I want to share and remember all of Mila’s important milestones and make sure that they’re well documented.  I haven’t decided if I’ll remove this particular space from the IF blogroll or not, but I think perhaps that might be the right choice.  I certainly don’t want to hurt anyone expecting to find PCOS related material here and instead they find pictures, stories and the like about my precious daughter.  It’s something to think about.  For now, my entire world revolves around her and I’m perfectly happy with that.