Wednesday, October 31, 2012

This and That

I’ve not been a very good blogger lately.  In my defense, life is kind of crazy and I had to sort out an issue with my internet.  It will hopefully settle down now.  Have I mentioned lately how much I HATE moving?  Anyway, that should be the last time I have to say that because the old house has been closed out as of today (YAY!).  The apartment is slowly becoming more of a home and less of a maze of boxes.

Speaking of boxes…the Purrito has started a new game with me.  When I walk through the apartment she weaves her way through the boxes to beat me to wherever I’m going.  When she makes it there before me (and she always does) she demands a cookie and a rub.  And because I’m a sucker I give her what she wants.  She is quite pleased with herself.

In infertility news, today is CD 12 and I had a scan this morning to check for any potential follicles.  I did not vajazzle anything for my Halloween date with the dildo cam, though it would have been worth it to see Dr. B’s face.  There is one 17mm follicle on the right.  I have another scan on Saturday morning and then probably a trigger as well.  Ahh righty, my workhorse ovary.  Lefty, you disappoint me.  I told Dr. B that I had five more months before I have to break up with him.  He agreed that we need to step things up if this cycle doesn’t work.  Anyone familiar with superovulation?  That’s what I’m in store for next.  I’m assuming it involves injectables.

In the midst of all the crazy last week I got a much needed box of happy from Sunshine at Befriending My Ovaries that contained an assortment of all things sugar and sweetness along with some other goodies. I just wanted to say thank you to her for that lovely gesture. It couldn’t have come at a better time. My apologies for being so late in saying thank you.

I also got nominated twice for the Liebster Award by two very lovely ladies Cassie at Waiting to Expand and Olivia at Two Steps Forward and One Step Back.  Thank you both for thinking of me!  I picked half of the questions from Cassie and half from Olivia as to not over do it on this one post.

1.  Do you have a pet?  Tell us about him/her.

The Purrito is the light of my life in the fur world.  She is 5 and has grown into quite the little lady of a kitty.  We “rescued” her from the in laws house.  She belonged to the neighbors down the street but was consistently at the in laws in search of food and water.  After I took her back to the neighbors house three times over several weeks I finally took her home and claimed her as mine.  Or as I see it she claimed me as hers.  She is part ragdoll and part mystery.  Her favorite activities are sleeping on her back belly up, playing with her pink mouse, and waking us up on purpose between 3-5 am.  She gets such joy in being the first to say hello early in the morning.

2.  What TV shows are your favorite?

I’m an avid Grey’s Anatomy fan.  I haven’t missed one episode since it began.  I also enjoy Private Practice, House (when it was on), Bones, American Horror Story, Once Upon a Time, Game of Thrones, Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness, and Fringe.  Just to name a few.

3.  What was your best subject in school?

History.  Hands down.  I was like a little sponge sitting in class soaking up everything about what happened in the past.  I love finding out what happened before I came along, how we and the world ended up where we are today.  I love feeling the palpable history when you visit a different city.  In the US, we’re such a young country compared to the rest of the world.  I dream of travelling to Europe to see all the magnificent places that hold so much of what shaped our lives today.

4.  What is your hairstyle like today?

I’m totally rocking the Victoria Beckham cut.  PCOS has thinned my hair considerably.  I probably have 1/4 of the hair I had ten years ago.  It disturbs me greatly and it’s a source of a lot of self conscious anxiety.  So, I keep it relatively short because that’s how it looks best.

5.  If you could change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be?

I would banish everything that PCOS has caused over the years.  I know the question asks for only one but it’s a broad spectrum of things.  The acne, the thinning hair, the weight fluctuations.  I think I would have a great deal more self esteem and self worth if I could live comfortably in my own skin.

6.  Are you a left or a right brain kind of person?

Left.  I’m logical and reason everything out.  I take my time and plan things that need planning.  I analyze just about everything. 

7.  Do you like to read the news or entertainment section?

A little of both but mostly news.  I’d rather hear and know what’s going on around me than catch up on which celebrity is making the headlines these days.

8.  What is your top career choice if you could do anything?

I want to be a photographer.  I’m almost there but taking that leap into doing it professionally is still scary.  There’s still so much I need to learn and I just don’t quite feel comfortable with the whole thing yet.  I’ll get there soon.

9.  What is your favorite place in the world?

I feel most at home in Australia.  Weird I know.  I travelled there twice, once when I was 18 and again at 21.  If you’ve ever been to a place that just called you home then you know the feeling.  I feel at peace there.  There’s a slower pace, even in Sydney that I can’t seem to find here in the US, even in this sleepy little city that I love.  Perhaps I’ll keep looking but for now Australia holds the spot of my favorite place in the world.

10.  Lipstick or chapstick?

I wish I could be a girly girl and say lipstick but that’s a no go.  I’m a chapstick girl.  I can’t seem to find a lipstick that I love enough to wear it every day or at least consistently. 

11.  Give an usual fact about yourself.

There are so many…where to begin.  I know where every single thing is in my house at any given time.  It becomes weird because without even speaking to the other half who is clearly looking for something, I can guess and find and hand whatever the object is to him.  Which is why I get irritated when things get moved.  Even just having moved, I know where everything is even if its still in a box yet to be unpacked.  Maybe it’s not strange, I don’t know.

So that’s that.  I’m supposed to nominate 11 other bloggers, but after looking around it seems that most everyone has already been nominated.  So here’s to you, yes you, lurking out there reading but never commenting.  I nominate you for the award.  And please, if you are a lurker (I’m completely ok with that) say hello eventually.  I don’t bite.  Much.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Good decision, bad decision

I’m alive!  Kind of.  The move was horrendous, torturous and I’ll never ever do it again without movers.  I don’t remember it being this hard when I moved from my home town to this lovely city two and a half years ago.  Anyway, never again.  I’m sore in places that I didn’t know existed.  I’m shades of purple, blue and green that would be quite lovely if they didn’t hurt like the dickens and make me look like I’ve been abused.  So, with all the mind numbing physical labor that goes into hauling your entire life miles from where you decided to stake it, I came up with good decision/bad decision post.  Here we go…

Good decision – Starting aspirin therapy for increased fertility.

Bad decision – Starting aspirin therapy a month before moving things that weigh a million pounds and like to fall on me.

Good decision – Owning a plethora of books so that our minds are well rounded.

Bad decision – Owning the actual books that weigh a ton when boxed up and moved.  Thirteen boxes of books people, thirteen.

Good decision – Choosing an apartment to live in for the next six months temporarily.

Bad decision -  Choosing an APARTMENT to live in for the next six months.

Good decision – Requesting the first floor so we don’t have to haul stuff up stairs.

Bad decision – Requesting the first floor so we can hear the people above us RUN from one end of their apartment to the other. 

I keep telling myself that it’s six months.  I can survive that.  I can do this.  It will be ok.  Here’s hoping that our neighbors remember that there are living beings below them.

The Purrito is such a champ.  While we were shuffling boxes around and moving things in and out she put herself in our closet and hid behind the clothes.  She happily stayed there all day until I had to drag her out to take her to the apartment.  The Purrito actually rides better in a car if she’s not in a carrier so I let her settle wherever she wanted to.  Yes, I know, it’s not the safest thing to do but it makes for some interesting looks when she’s peering out the windows.  We arrived and I pluck her from the car and bring her inside.  I’m not even two feet inside the door when she piddles on me and herself.  And then my heart breaks and shatters into a million little pieces because I know it must take a lot for her to be so scared she pees herself and me. 

It’s been two days that she’s been here with us and she’s acclimating well for the most part.  I think her biggest fear was that we were simply going to leave her.  She’s like a puppy in the sense that if either one of us walks into another room she’s right behind us.  I’m ok with this because I love being cuddled by my fluff monster.  Speaking of fluff, she also got a bath the night we moved in because well, she peed herself.  I wouldn’t be a good fur mom if I just left that alone.  In the process of screaming (I’m pretty sure our new neighbors thought we were murdering someone) because the evil water was touching her she dug her claws into not just skin but the muscles of my arms.  So now, not only do I look like I’m an abuse victim, but I also look like I’ve been shooting up too.  Awesome.  Also, I’m more than a little exhausted and delirious so this post isn’t entirely put together the way I would like it.

On the infertility front, that bitch AF showed up Saturday (as expected) the day that we moved all the heavy stuff.  So, it is CD3 and I begin clomid again tonight.  My day 12 ultrasound is on October 31.  Maybe I should dress up as a hpt or an opk for the visit.

I feel so out of the loop.  I will slowly catch up with all of you through the week.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Downsizing Pains

I’m really beginning to wonder how we managed to accumulate so much stuff.  I know everyone says that when they move but my gosh, there’s a lot.  I think it might have to do with the fact that we moved from a two bedroom apartment to a four bedroom house that was entirely too big for us.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining and I wouldn’t trade the time we’ve had in this beautiful space for anything.  It just seems like we chose this house with the ambition of filling at least one of the spare rooms with a nursery.  When that didn’t happen we filled the spaces with things we didn’t necessarily need but found comfort in having.  Two fully furnished guest rooms for example.  Really?  It’s not often that family makes the trek to visit us and it’s never been the occasion where both sets of parents have come at the same time.  Which makes me question why we needed two guest rooms at all.  Anyway.  Packing continues.

Surprisingly I haven’t had a meltdown yet.  I’ve organized 90% of the appointments that moving requires, truck, storage space, transfer of utilities etc.  All that’s left is to find someone to do a post move yard and interior cleanup.  Yeah I’m taking the easy way out with that.  The rental management company sent over a lovely full page 10pt typed letter detailing all the things they were looking for in a post move inspection.  It’s daunting.  So for that reason I decided it’s in my best interest to have some people come in and make my life a little easier. 

I also found out that because the owners didn’t manage to sell this house this month that it’s going back up for rent on November 1.  They could have saved us a whole lot of hassle if they had been willing to modify a renewed lease for us.  I really should feel quite angry about this but I just can’t seem to find the heart to deal with them anymore.  As it stands, they are the one’s that now have to fork over thousands a month for a mortgage that isn’t bringing in any rental income.  We’re moving.  We’re downsizing.  That’s that.  Karma’s a bitch though, that’s all I’m saying.

I am hardly a morning person.  In fact I will usually try to rip faces off if anyone disturbs me before I’m ready to be awake.  So it came as a bit of a surprise that I was waking up earlier every day so I could pee on sticks.  Not that there’s anything to show for it.  It is CD26, 10DPO and the trigger has been tested out.  I’ve been coming up with negative HPTs for a few days now.  Honestly I will be very shocked if anything shows up before Saturday when AF is due.  Even facing a possible disappointment I feel better about this cycle than I ever did waiting around after the miscarriage.  At least I’m doing something and we had a chance, however slim it might be to have something great happen.

In Purrito news, she is not happy with me on two fronts.  I had to take her back to the vet last week so she could have the rest of her vaccinations.  While she was there they wanted to test her urine again to make sure the antibiotics did the job.  From the ear splitting yowling I heard, it’s not a pleasant process.  And then there’s the move.  She knows something is going on and she doesn’t like it.  I’ll often find her wandering the house absentmindedly meowing at nothing for no particular reason.  She sounds so desolate and it’s a little bit heartbreaking.  She has packed herself in a box more times than I can count in the last week.  Like I would ever forget to bring her along.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Loss of a different kind

I’ve struggled with whether to write about this or not and came to the decision that I might find some peace with simply letting it out.  I have lost a friend, not in the forever way but in the we-don’t-talk-anymore way.  It came about slowly but it doesn’t hurt any less.

Surprisingly it wasn’t infertility that got in our way.  She struggles with infertility too and we sort of bonded over that.  I think it was a combination of the fact that our husbands work together in the military where rank is in effect (though I firmly believe that wives have NO rank nor should we EVER wear our husband’s rank as our own), she has a new high profile job that requires her to be social with high society people, and the miscarriage I suffered.

We had lunch a few weeks after the D&C and she confessed that she wanted to start trying for a family.  She admitted that one of the main reasons they were holding off was because she didn’t want to hurt me while I was still grieving.  Of course, while I found this a very sweet considerate notion, it was simply unacceptable for her to choose whether to start a family based on what I was going through.  I told her as much and assured her that I was actually overjoyed to hear that we could possibly go through a pregnancy together. 

Since we had lunch it seems that she’s continually been pulling away.  The phone calls are non existent, the text messages few and far between and I haven’t seen her in about two months.  I have tried to call and message her to no avail.  I really wanted to share my excitement about starting treatments again and she’s simply not there anymore.  It makes me very sad to know that I’ve lost a friend for no good solid decent reason at all.  So, I am once again friendless on a face to face level.  Which is not to say I’m friendless at all.  You lovely ladies have been such a blessing and a comfort to me.  One day I will figure out how to thank you all appropriately.

Which reminds me, those of you who sent me your addresses, the packages will be shipped out tomorrow (Saturday) morning.  You all have some of the same items and you all have something I thought might be of unique use to you.  I won’t be offended AT ALL if you’re not thrilled with or won’t use something in the box.  All I ask is that you pass whatever it is along to someone else who might like it.  Most of all though, I hope it brings a smile to your face when it shows up at your doorstep.

On the infertility front, it is CD22, 6DPO.  I’m fairly confident that the trigger shot should be out of my system by tomorrow or Sunday.  And then the real waiting begins.  We are scheduled to move on the weekend of the 19th.  I should have plenty to do to keep me busy until then.  Here’s hoping everything goes smoothly.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012


While I’ve been away I haven’t been keeping up or commenting as much as I would like.  I will endeavor to fix that very soon.  I missed you all!

Sunday was spent packing last minute things for the trip home.  It still amazes me how much stuff I feel like I need to take with me to sustain myself for four days.  Did I really need two pieces of luggage?  Not.  Really.  After all that was finished there was a 250 mile drive ahead of me.  When we initially moved down here I didn’t mind the drive.  Now that I’ve done it a few dozen times, well it’s really boring.  Correction, it’s mind numbingly boring.  In any case we arrived safe and sound, if not a little mind numb.

Monday was the day of my top ten to do before I die event.  It requires a little background.  Anyone who knows my real name will find it appropriate that my nick name is Panda.  I, the animal lover, adore pandas.  Fiercely.  As in, I get emotional watching videos of them on YouTube.  Which is why I posted the Kristen Bell - Ellen Interview so you could better understand the reaction I had when I found out that I was going to get a private behind the scenes wild encounter with a panda.  I die.  I got to feed a panda.  I got to freaking feed a panda.  What makes it even better was that I got to share this with my mom.  She got to feed a panda too.  I was stuck between excited elation and being so overwhelmed that I was crying.  I’m positive the keepers and the bears thought I was a nut case.  Ok crazy lady, you can cry as long as you give me that panda biscuit in your hand.

This is Lun Lun (back) and her two year old cub Po (front).  They were the duo that made my day.  Aren’t they just spectacular?  Lun Lun is considered exceptionally beautiful in China because she has a full round face.  Po seems to be taking after her in that aspect as well.  These two are described as the more serious pandas.  They mean business and don’t really want to fool around.  Po is the third cub of Lun Lun and Yang Yang.


This is Po’s father, Yang Yang.  He is considered less than desirable in China because of his pointed cheeks.  I scoff at that.  He is just as gorgeous as Lun Lun and Po.  Yang Yang is easy going and playful.  His ears wiggle when he chews bamboo haha!


This is Xi Lan (shay-lahn), the second cub of Lun Lun and Yang Yang.  He’s four and will do just about anything to get people to look at him.  He’s dramatic and an attention seeker.


While I’m normally not fond of zoos because they are essentially holding animals captive from their wild environment, I sort of have a different view with the pandas.  They are extremely well taken care.  They’re considered a show of goodwill from China.  It just wouldn’t fly if they were in any way shape or form treated poorly while they were here.  Having them in the US has provided a shining light on just how endangered they really are and every zoo that has one agrees to help regenerate the population with a breeding program.  After four years they are returned to China to help repopulate their natural habitat.  As such, Xi Lan will be going home very soon.

As a bonus while I was in the city I got to do another thing on my top ten to do before I die list.  I scored tickets to see a Silversun Pickups show.  Swoon.  It was probably the best show I’ve ever seen.  Seriously, they were incredible.  We were front row and I’m pretty positive that I got some Silversun sweat flicked on me. 


In my infertility world, I am on CD20, 4DPO.  I’m still testing out the trigger which is getting fainter every day.  So, little potential embryo(s), your mom has had an amazing week and it would just be really awesome if you secretly shared feeding the pandas and seeing her favorite band with her.  You know, if you feel like it.  No pressure or anything.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

All over the place

This post is all over the place.  Sorry about that.  I’m pretty sure I got a natural LH surge last night on my own.  I hate OPK’s because you have to read them just right to get anything conclusive out of it.  Who knew my body could figure out how to do something it was supposed to?  Dr. B told me not to take the trigger if I had a surge before 8am Saturday morning.  Right.  In any case I woke the other half up at 8am for him to give me the trigger anyway.  Rebel.  I’m not really confident that the natural surge would have pushed out both eggs so I gave them a little boost.  Even with him being half asleep the shot wasn’t so bad.  I’m now the owner of two artificial pink lines. 

I’ve felt like crap for a couple of days but today it really hit me.  I’m sure it’s a culmination of hormones and stress.  I’ve already had one tantrum, two breakdowns, two crying episodes, one crying while laughing episode, and I’m so tired I could sleep for another solid 12 hours.  Exhaustion is good news because I’m off the Ambien for now.  Perfect. 

My new session of class starts tomorrow.  Math.  I’m terrified.  I nearly failed math in high school and I’ve never really gotten over the horror of it.  I did manage an A+ in my professional communications class last session though.  Five weeks.  I can do five weeks.  It will be fine.  It will be fine.

I will most likely be absent from this space until Wednesday.  We are leaving tomorrow morning and making a trip to see the parental units.  I don’t trust anyone to take care of the Purrito (she just finished her last dose of antibiotics and is feeling great) so I have to come back on Wednesday afternoon.  Three days is about the max I feel ok leaving her alone to self feed.  The other half will stay in town with his parents until the following Sunday.  He’s got job interviews and work to do up there.  It works out.

Monday I will be doing one of the things on my top ten to do before I die list.  To say I am excited is a huge understatement.  Have you seen the Kristen Bell sloth interview that Ellen did?

Yeah, that’s me.  Crying and all.  Just with a different animal.  My mom will be there so I’m sure there will be video of my own breakdown.  I’m not going to spoil it now but I can’t wait to share the pictures when I get back.

For those of you brave enough to share your address with me, I have boxes lined up almost ready to go.  They will most likely be sent out next Thursday or Friday.  I love just because mail.  So much fun!

I hope you all have a great weekend and a wonderful start to the new week.

Friday, October 5, 2012


It feels very weird to be posting this while there is still daylight outside.  I’m a late night poster.  Anyway, there was no awkward naked encounter this morning at the RE’s office (score one!).  I only had to show my lady bits to a minimal amount of people today as Dr. B’s student shadow wasn’t there either (score two!).  I have two beautiful follies on the right still, 17mm and 18mm respectively and boy can I feel them.  Honestly, is this what ovulating feels like for other people?  Going through these rounds of clomid has made me seriously reconsider if I’ve ever ovulated before in my life.  I’m officially smuggling a bag of marbles in my pelvis.  That’s what it feels like.  Am I complaining?  Absolutely not.  I will happily be a marble smuggler.  I’m just curious and a little bit mystified. 

I’m supposed to trigger myself tomorrow morning at 8am.  It’s intramuscular, not sub cutaneous and this will be the first time I’ve had to do it at home.  A nurse at the office usually does it for me.  Any tips? 

After the appointment I made a trip downtown to the historic district to pick up a few things unique to my city.  Unbeknownst to me, Octoberfest on the River started this morning.  I was pelted with the amazing smells of street food and beer soaked brats.  I restrained myself, only drooling slightly in the process.  Then I caved and picked up some gophers from the local candy shop.  Gophers, appropriately named as they resemble gopher holes, are layers of pecans, caramel and finally milk chocolate.  Anyone ever had one of these? 


In my defense these are not all for me.  I will be taking some of them to my mom in a few days when I go home for a visit.  Sorry I’ve made you all drool.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


I had a full on awkward turtle moment at the RE this morning.  I was in the room maybe two minutes and had just shucked my pants.  I had the paper drape in my hand (still folded) when the door busts open and in walks Dr. B and his student for the day.  I’m standing there naked from the waist down except for my fuzzy grey socks.  We all stood there like deer in headlights for a second before they ushered themselves back out.  I should have just invited them to stay, it’s not like they’re seeing something they haven’t already seen before.  Anyway, it was weird for a minute.

I’m not sure if his student was flustered from our brief naked encounter or if he just didn’t know what he was doing (or both?) but I got asked if I had a left ovary.  Yes, yes I do.  She’s just a lazy lefty slacker sometimes who doesn’t know how to pull her weight.  She’s there, keep poking.

I am, however,  the proud carrier of two lovely follicles on the right.  I should be ready to trigger on Friday which works perfectly with some travel plans coming up next week.  That’s provided I don’t get a LH surge before then.  I kind of like getting the trigger because I get to test it out over the two week wait.  I get that I should let my body do its thing but really…it’s not like there’s been a successful track record.

I also got the results from the POC testing done after the D & C in July.  There was a fatal chromosomal abnormality of full trisomy 16.  The pregnancy had zero chance of progressing from the very start.  It doesn’t take the hurt/pain/depression/sadness away, but it does provide further understanding for me.  I even got a little compassion out of Dr. B, shocking.

My hematology appointments have been annoying disappointments from the start.  Today his nurse called 15 minutes before my appointment to tell me that they needed to reschedule me.  I was actually walking into the hospital as she called so I continued on my merry way up to say hello personally.  This will be the third time that this particular results appointment has been rescheduled.  My happy face was not present.  I realize that life happens but seriously, three times.  Cut me some slack, I’m a woman trying to make life happen in a hostile environment.  Give me the damn results.  And they did, after I might have made a small scene and fired them publicly in the waiting room.  I’m not proud of it but it got me a copy of my file.  I’m not usually one of those patients, but today I was.

According to his PA she doesn’t feel like I have APS.  I still have high markers/positives/out of the normal ranges for it but she’s still unwilling to say that it could be an issue.  Ok.  I’m just done with their office at this point.  Oh and the doctor, he’s apparently on vacation. 

Taking bets made me really want to have a package sending spree.  I love sending mail to people so if anyone wants to cough up their address, I will send you some love via post.  Yeah I realize this is kind of weird but I’ll include goodies from my favorite sleepy little city and there are no strings attached.  Any takers?  Anyone?  I swear I’m not a stalker.  Much.  There will probably be Purrito fur in the box too.  No extra charge for that.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012


Well hello there ovaries.  Nice of you to join us.  It is CD11 and my five day round of clomid seems to be working, hence the unusual “fullness” and tenderness I’ve been experiencing.  Though I’ve been wrong before about what’s going on inside me.  I have a day 12 date with the dildo cam ultrasound tomorrow to see how many follicles (if any) I have and when I might be able to trigger.  I’ve never been an over achiever on clomid so I’m going to go with one follicle on the right side.  It feels like my troublemaker righty is working overboard this time. 

I should take bets on the results.  Winner gets a prize!  Hmm, that’s something to think about possibly starting up soon.  It’s fun for me and for you, win win. 

Anyway, should there be no response from the clomid my RE usually prescribes a second round to be taken immediately for five days and I come back to see him in a week.  Does anyone else do this?  Maybe it’s just the way my RE does things by giving a second dose of clomid without inducing a cycle.  I kind of appreciate that he doesn’t waste my time with that.

I also have an appointment with the hematologist immediately following the RE appointment.  I will find out the results of the testing done two weeks ago and figure out where I go from there.  I’m kind of feeling “eh” about this appointment.  Honestly, the nurse knew more about infertility and clotting disorders that affect pregnancy than the actual doctor did.  That doesn’t give me a lot of faith in him.  In fact it just makes me want to deal with his nurse instead of him. 

All of my doctors seem to be working out of hospitals now.  I, the directionally challenged, always get lost going to my appointments.  It’s not that I can’t find it with gps, it’s that I can’t find the damn office once I get inside the hospital.  I end up looking like a lost puppy wandering the halls.  The staff usually takes pity on me and points me in the right direction though.  Also, has anyone else noticed that remarkable increase in Ft. Knox that are doctors offices?  On top of having to fill out pages of information about myself, I now have wear a nametag (I kid you not) and have my picture taken before I can even see a nurse.  Hell, why not just make a doctors passport so we don’t have to go through this every time.

Anyone want to place a bet?