Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The Difference a Year Can Make

A year ago today Other Half and I had just moved into an apartment, not one of our greatest decisions but a necessary one.  It was small, dark and noisy.  The Purrito was stressed and nearly licked herself furless.  I've never seen a cat so distraught over a living situation before.  Perhaps she was the only one that "voiced" it so loudly though.  It confirmed for us that we've officially left the days behind when apartment living would ever be ok for us.  

A year ago today Other Half was slowly transitioning his way out of a very long, hard three year command.  It would mark the turning point for being on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  No longer would he have to handle problem soldiers abusing the system to avoid deployment.  No longer would we have our lives threatened by unstable patient soldiers.  No longer would I wonder if he would come home safe after being sent out to find AWOL patients in the worst parts of town.

A year ago today I was right smack in the middle of my second clomid cycle after the miscarriage in July.  The move had me stressed, but I was determined to breathe easy.  Other Half had been a trooper the day before and given me a trigger shot.  I decided not to test the trigger out (Ha! Yeah right...I totally tested).  I made the decision to be easy with myself and whatever this cycle would bring.  I hoped and prayed but I never could have imagined.

A year ago today my precious perfect daughter was conceived.  Happy conception day my love!  Sure, it's an unusual thing to celebrate to everyone outside of the infertility world, I get that.  To me, it's one of the most precious days of my life.

I still get so emotional (unpretty snot crying) thinking about how far we've all come in a year.  I never could have imagined I could feel love so strongly or that I would feel joy so deeply.  That I would worry myself sick for months over her heartbeat, movements and the effects gestational diabetes would have on her.  That I would feel so elated over finding out her gender, feeling her roll inside me and waiting for her daily hiccups.  I never dreamed of finding the most amazing and wonderful OB and his staff.  That their care for me still touches my heart and makes me teary.  I had no idea that I would have the easiest labor and delivery to bring another soul into this world.

Mostly, I had no idea that this tiny little perfect girl would touch so many people's lives.  She has brought so much love into the world around her.  

People still don't understand, and I suspect they never will, how amazing her life is to me.  I didn't know if she would ever come along.  It's often overlooked when I tell people that we tried and waited a very long time for her and she is very much loved and wanted.  That's how it is with infertility.  Unless you've been through it, people (generally) will never know the depth and range of high and low emotions associated with infertility, pregnancy and finally parenting.  

So here I sit, teary eyed and overwhelmed with emotion at the difference a year can make.  Other Half has a new job within the military.  We are on the verge of another move, closer to family this time.  I will have to leave my beloved city behind but it will always hold a special place in my heart as the birthplace of Mila.  Yes, what a difference a year can make.


  1. I feel like I could have written this post myself! Especially the part about people not understanding how precious and wanted and loved my child is because I worked so hard to have her...I get annoyed when people just don't get it. :) But I'm so happy that you've come so far in the last year. I'm so happy you have your darling girl to put sunshine into every day. Wishing you another year of joy and beauty!

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